In Part 1 of How To Become A Pillow Talk Pro, I shared some of my personal experiences and perspectives gained from my own dirty-talking journey. I hope Part 1 left you hopeful and ready to discover the dirty-talking dynamo that exists within you as well!

In Part 2 of How To Become A Pillow Talk Pro, we are going to dive into the first two steps in the process of accessing your personal pillow-talking potential. If you didn’t pick this up already, I firmly believe that this journey starts with you, and self-discovery through personal pleasure. None of the practices in Part 2 have you engaged with your partner just yet. Instead, they are all about mindset, self-exploration, and discovery.

Step 1: Release Self-Imposed Expectations

Ask yourself: What does dirty talk mean to me? What does it sound like when I imagine it in my mind’s eye? What aspects of that vision am I meeting with resistance? Why?

Socialized in the modern world, every single one of us is inundated with media and messaging telling us what we should feel or think about almost all aspects of our existence. The reality is that we define our own realities. 

Start busting through the chatter. Don’t accept the standards that you are fed. Take in the information you receive and pick out the pieces that feel worth keeping. Trash the rest. This is step one.

It is rare that we are taught to explore and take ownership of our sexuality and desire. If you were, you are one of the lucky ones. But guess what? Today is a new day, and it is yours for the taking. As long as you are not causing physical or emotional harm, it is your human right to explore your mind and body and discover the breadth and depth of your sexuality and sexual atmosphere. 

In case you might need it, this is me giving you full permission to do so, starting right now. 

Reflect on how and why the ideas and expectations you’ve formed around dirty talk exist instead of blindly accepting them as truth. Starting with this deprogramming reflection will help you release yourself from the expectations (conscious or otherwise) that you have formed surrounding talking dirty to this point.

We have all had different experiences that influence our ideas about what healthy intimacy and sexuality look like. As you reflect on these questions, it may be helpful to do some freewriting in your journal or the notes file on your phone. 

If you really want to drive this work home, record a video journal of yourself talking openly to yourself about it. Watch the video back to see what seeing and hearing yourself illuminates. This can be very healing and powerful work!

Step 2: Open Yourself To Yourself

No one can tell you how you feel or think about a certain stimulus, fantasy, or behavior (remember step #1?). That means it is up to you to explore, reflect, and discover what makes your sexual clock tick. Get curious and get excited! 

The process of this self-discovery may not be a linear path, but the result is that you are going to know yourself better. There is no greater prize than that.

So! How can you get started in opening yourself to yourself?

Let me lay a few things out for you:

Engage in self-pleasure

Masturbation is not only healthy, but it is the only sexual activity where you can engage in both giving and receiving of sexual energy simultaneously. Not all of us are great at giving and/or receiving, so practicing self-pleasure can be a great way to build both muscles.

Learn your body inside and out. Play with sensation, pressure, temperature, and toys. Figure out where your sweet spots are and what type of treatment makes them so sweet. This is a process of discovery and experimentation. You didn’t go from crawling to running marathons, so don’t expect the same results here.

Savor the process, and receive the pleasure you are able to give yourself with an open heart and open mind. 

If you find yourself getting stuck, or if you are met with resistance in your ability to give or receive with yourself, take a pause. Gift yourself the patience and permission to acknowledge that this is a process. Some days, it is easier than others to dip into the self-discovery space, and that is okay. Don’t give up! 

Reflect on these experiences and make notes in your journal or notes file on your phone. Focus on noting what physical actions create the most positive sensations and reactions for you. This information will come in handy later.

Start exploring fantasy

Now that we have addressed physical sensation, let’s get mental/emotional with it. As you engage in self-touch, clear your mind. Open yourself up to explore different scenarios and sexual thoughts. Let the scale and explicit nature of those thoughts develop organically. See where they take you. 

You may need to engage in this practice many times to understand the thoughts and images that elicit a positive sexual response (bonus!). Remember what (ideally multiple different things) ends up getting you there. 

If you have trouble or get stuck during this process, fear not. The miraculous invention of the internet, which connected you to my words today, also holds a treasure trove of pornographic and sexually explicit material that you can explore. Even if you are not someone that typically watches porn, I encourage you to consider it as a brainstorming and educational resource in this process. 

Remember — it can be just as valuable to discover what does not turn your ignition as it is to learn about what does get your motor revving. Write all of your discoveries down in a journal or notes file on your phone, in as much detail as you can provide. Again, this will all come in handy later! 

A critical note on fantasy: It is completely normal to engage and become aroused by notions of fantasy that you do not necessarily wish to play out in reality. Do not deny yourself the indulgence of following these trains of salacious thought. Part of the joy and power of pillow talk is that it offers you and your lover a safe space to explore different sexual fantasies. 

Just because talking through a steamy scenario gets you both hot, does not by any means obligate you to go out and make it happen in real life. Woosah on that, and embrace the capacity of your imagination to move through worlds of pleasure without committing yourself to putting them into physical action.

Start vocalizing

Now it’s time to put all of that juicy self-knowledge to use! Refer to your journal or notes file, and read through your list of physical and mental/visual stimulation that gets you hot. If you have a smartphone, chances are you have an audio recorder app in there.

Begin by recording yourself speaking aloud what is contained in your self-pleasure and fantasy list. Tell yourself in the recording what turns you on. If you are in the flow, go a step further and explain how and why. 

If you are not yet comfortable using certain explicit words, try to push yourself to speak them aloud during this private practice. Your goal is to get comfortable talking dirty to a lover. I’m here to confirm for you that you must be able to do it with and for yourself first. 

Listen to the recording(s) you make. Reflect without judgment on what responses come up for you physically and emotionally while recording and playing them back.

Level up this practice

The next time you masturbate, pull out the same app and record yourself during your self-pleasure session. Let yourself openly express the pleasure you are feeling. Do what feels authentic, but try to stretch your limits each time.

You don’t know what fits until you try different things on for size!

Moan, breath heavy, speak out loud with as much description as possible. Don’t force your tone. Relax with present focus and orally express in whatever way feels organic to the moment. Express what you are doing to your body physically, what sensations you create, and how those sensations make you feel. Speak out loud the fantasies, thoughts, and images crossing your mind as you engage in self-touch.

Listen to the recording(s) you make. Chances are listening to yourself pleasure yourself is going to make you pretty horny. And that is exactly the result you are looking for!

Continue with this practice until you feel natural and comfortable within it. Engaging in this level of intimacy with yourself is the first step to bringing it to your partnered play.

What an awesome homework assignment, amiright?

This is also a great time to figure out what words you love and are comfortable saying. I am a big fan of fuck/ fucking/ fuck yeah, as well as pussy, cock, and tits. They all come up a lot in my pillow talk. It may feel weird forming some of these words in your mouth at first. That’s why solo practice is great!

No one can hold safer space for you than you. Part of finding and expanding your edges is challenging yourself to discover and go beyond them.

Once you have learned what thoughts and sensations turn you on, and are able to speak them privately with ease, you will be ready to take your pillow talk practice to the next level. Partnered play!

In the third and final installment of this series, I am going to share with you specific strategies to engage orally during shared sexual experience. I will provide you with three more steps to take in this process.

The first will help you begin expressing yourself out loud in the act. The second will help you develop the ability to engage in the communication of your own fantasies as part of foreplay. The third and final step will help you create a container for communication that will allow you and your lover to engage in pillow talk over shared fantasy. 

With a multitude of explicit examples you can experiment with, you will be ready to define your own dirty talk recipe and create a delicious dish to take to the bedroom in no time. 

Xoxo,

Jay