Are you ready to become a pillow talk pro? If your answer is yes, then I created this three-part series for you.
DEMYSTIFYING DIRTY TALK
Language is powerful. The words we exchange within ourselves and with others define our reality and relationships. Why not harness that power to level up your sexual experience as well?
I’m here to tell you that with a little personal reflection and practice, that power will be yours to wield.
Dirty talk can be a delicious form of foreplay, and a direct course to spicing up and enriching your sexual experience. It provides a safe space for you and your lover to explore fantasy. It makes sex even sexier. Sounds great, right?
The path to demystifying dirty talk may not exactly be linear, but it is definitely within your grasp and probably closer than you realize. Through this series, I am going to share with you my personal experience, explicit examples, and a step-by-step process with specific tips and tricks to help you become more comfortable, and more creative, with your pillow talk today.
With all of this sexy ammunition and some fun homework, you will be on your way in no time!
HOW I BECAME A PILLOW TALK PRO
Engaging in dirty talk can be intimidating at the onset of your journey. I certainly felt that way in the earlier years of my sexual experience. I would crumble under the weight of my own expectations for what I thought dirty talk was, or was meant to be. Talk about unnecessary pressure!
‘I can’t do that,’
‘It makes me uncomfortable,’
‘I’m just not that creative’ were common phrases that escaped my trembling lips back in the day.
When prompted by a lover to whisper naughty nothings in their ear, my body would often react in an anxiety response, effectively taking me out of the moment.
I’m talking a full deer in the headlights scenario, here. Sound familiar?
We can be our own worst enemy when caught up in automatic negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs. Nothing changed for me until I took responsibility for my reactiveness and figured out how to transition it to responsiveness. Inside, I knew I had a vivacious vixen just waiting to be unleashed.
What I figured out was that I needed to explore and engage her for myself before she would come out to play with anyone else.
Have you ever felt like you were holding yourself back from yourself? Like you are showing up with less than, but can’t quite figure out how to shift yourself to coming from a space of abundance? Accepting that I was the only one who could do the actual work of nurturing myself into that space of energetic abundance and emotional openness took a hot minute. But once I got there, the real work could begin.
Consider this ideal scenario to drive this point home even further:
Think about it like showing up to a potluck with a uniquely delicious and fully prepared hot dish, AND bringing the utensils to serve it. You feel confident, positively contributing to the collective experience, and the host loves you. Then, you make yourself a plate that samples all the flavors that the buffet table offers. You are able to freely enjoy every bite and maybe learn a new recipe or two. This scenario reflects the process of becoming the best dirty talking lover you can be.
But you can’t bring a delicious dish to the table unless you figure out what recipe you enjoy making and consuming the most first. Makes sense, right?
The reality is though, that there is no perfect recipe. There are only flavors to be explored and joy in discovering which are the most delicious to you.
What I am telling you is that there is no perfect or one-size-fits-all script for talking dirty. What is sexiest is what feels sexy to you. When you are coming from a place of authenticity, anything you do or say will be sexier than a performative conscription to what you think your lover wants or wants to hear. Let this inspire curiosity and excitement, rather than intimidation, and you’ll have your mindset on a one-way street to that space of abundance you are driving toward.
The first step lies in giving yourself permission to center on your own experience. Relax into the process of learning what elicits a positive sexual response from you first. Then, as you get to know your lover, you can integrate elements of shared fantasy into your dirty talk dynamic.
These realizations were the keys that allowed me to release the self-imposed expectations and limiting thoughts preventing me from accessing my pillow talk potential.
Releasing self-imposed expectations, opening myself to myself, engaging my sensory experience, and starting slowly is what helped me go from zero to one hundred in my pillow talk prowess.
Nowadays, it is one of the most sizzling tricks in my sexual toolbag. So much so, that talking dirty has even delivered me to writing erotica (read more about that journey here!).
Kink-wise, experience has taught me I am a bit of an audiophile. Being able to tap into and engage in sexy aural exchange gets me hot, hot, hot. I never would have gotten here unless I put the work into self-discovery and personal practice to make it so. For it, my sexual experiences and atmosphere have been undeniably enriched. I wish the same discovery, enrichment, joy, and pleasure for you.
In part two of this series, I will outline two critical steps in the process of demystifying dirty talk for yourself. I’ll offer you specific personal practices you can try in order to discover what flavors belong in your deliciously dirty dish. In part three of this series, I will take you to the realm of partnered play, with tips and tricks to explore pillow talk with your lover.
Excited? I hope so!